How I Wish .......... Shhhhh

How I wish there were 48 hours a day.

How I wish I read each word.

How I wish I pay more heed even to the weed.

How I wish there was more silence.

How I wish there are more hours I do not speak.

How I wish there was more serenity around.

How I wish there was a better me for the world to bear with,

For there is not a better world I can bear.

What is the point in having a chance when there is no choice?

Balanced

Narrate with a neutral laugh over the past … is called maturity.
Bitter, batter, better, beginning, bragging, boring or bestowed ….

 

Holding off from speaking is incapability to digest it.

Not laughing about it reflects you are senti.
Appreciating its richness shows you are sliding in to a negative cycle.

Bottom line is people busy enjoying present and shaping future never get time for any of the above.

Smiling

Rocked, shocked and docked by little happenings bothersome.

Nothing too bad or significant.

Before the thought “Why does this happen to me only?” could complete, I had an explanation. When I am a teeny weeny tweet of god in this world that he totally owns and also a source that I cannot judge to be right or wrong, where do I stand the question or command what God can do with me?

A soul sick of feeling sick.

A determination to show nothing but a smile originating from my heart…..
With a dimple on my cheek, deep enough to sink all the debris trying to ruin my smile.
Soaking up the slippery for others gives a sense of satisfaction though they may not worth it.

Why? Where is the Basic?

What does it take for a human to behave a human before behaving a male/ Female, Son/ daughter, actor/ doctor, person in a specific religion/ caste/ creed/ society?

Though I know the answer “humanity”, I find it hard to abide to! Mortified and mortifying I live sometimes so ashamed even to ask an apology. I see it missing everywhere around.

 

Heavy hearted

A viscous circle of living

A time when you feel
Feel like sitting down with knees bent.
Knees bent and legs pulled close …..
With A feel of protecting self and trust nothing.
I wish to wear steel armour.
A portion of a dish to indulge in.
A little space to stand firm and speak to the sky and waters.

It is what it is

Destroying a forest is a crime.
But the forest can rebuild.
Destroying a tree may not be nice but is not a crime
The tree cannot rebuild!

Devastating my life may still be fine.

I may redefine life and live.
But when you destroy a “ME” in me!
I am sorry you cannot find that me again!
 

Hankering Silence!

Silence has taken a lot of forms in my life.
Silence meant lack of energy.
Silence meant lack of creativity.
Silence meant wasting time.
I live close by to a lively road.
Silence at my home is next to impossible any hour of the day.
Silence meant sketching a crime.
Silence is sometimes the most violent violin.
Silence is as threating as an ice burg to an Indian.

Staying away from home gave me the room to experience silence. And I learned to relish silence. It gives you peace of mind. You can focus better. Your ears are just running the basic functionality but not pumping multiple feeds to your brain. Your brain is just waiting for your orders now. You can meditate easily and are lot more a clam person. I rushed to office at 7:00 AM to give a presentation. And after the presentation ended when I pushed back in my chair I realized and had no thoughts in my mind, I experience a calmness creep. With No one on the floor and absolute silence, I just sat relaxed and enjoyed the silence. May be in a plusher chaotic life it is nice to have a silence break.

Unfortunately “noise can enter silence! Silence cannot enter noise!”

Flip-side, if eyes are not on watch or if I am uncertain of things that can happen, a tiny-winy noise is enough to trigger a “take to your heels” fight back mechanism in me. Sleeping light in absolute silence! An open tap is enough to wake me up with a bad jerk and irk my soul.

Inspect / Ignore

A hiss of the future!
Or haunt of the past hound!
The sounds not so pleasant,
That put me down.

How do I interpret?

These fringes of the hinges …
Dangling and dwelling
Dense to dearth I sway …

A drip of reality

On a strip of life
Confine the leak
Confide the truth

Consequences may conquer and,

Quiver you conscience
Guilt free glee is worth it all

Graft new energies...

-The strong just redefine their strength and adapt rather than trembling and regretting.

Surfing the suffer

Unrest in the rich creamy silence
Carrying a composed frame when
Composition is dynamic to determine.

Hat tricks of hatred keep hatching

Efforts of survival are just torched to see each hatch
Where is the definition for self?

May be I live in a bubble that

That a touch can break.
May be to the delight of the commons.

A wish to live in a tough shell.

Away from everything crazy.
Close to delicate daisies ……..

Shall continue the game of living!

Adaptability tested at every turn.
Burning the real me…. Shall continue.

Guts to live the change you want to see

There is a temple construction that one of the people known to me is trying to raise fund for. No compulsion but it becomes a formality/ norm …. To flow with the crowd and just give it. May be I should have done it without second thoughts once but not now. It is not about the amount but I shouldn’t be supporting this cause. It is not very comfortable to stay off it but “Live the change you want to see”.

The community I live in would give me stares for this. I would be taken to an atheist though I am not. Anything that may go wrong with me would be attributed to this siting that it is God’s curse. But none of them would explain the worse times I faced earlier when I was one among them bowing to every norm and flowing along without objecting though I did not quite understand. Well with a deep breath I brace myself to take it all. If I am wrong, let the world learn seeing me. If I am not wrong, I would burn out a thorn that is pricking me now. Would I burn out the same thorn in others? This crown has to still learn not to be a herd but be more sensible humans.

I am still not very happy with self as I made no attempt to explain why I am not supporting this.

Read the post below to know

http://elusiveoligotrophicexperience.blogspot.com/2012/02/true-temples-and-science.html

Why? WHY? Why ...

Why be blessed with a brain when it is just a dictation?
Why enthusiasm when the engagement is ensured?
Why a choice when the conclusion is there?
Why do we encourage emotions despite of knowing all this?

Why is surrendering the last thing we do though that is most practical to happen?

A valuable tip for a trip!

I took a cab from a store back to the hotel. The store is pretty close by (an 8 min drive) but I usually take a cab as I do not prefer to walk alone down any street. It was a little after a winter sunset and the chauffeur pulled the cab aside and called out that I was at the hotel I mentioned. I re-iterated the address and told him there is another phase at the address I specified. For a moment he tried to convince me that this is the place and wanted me to look for my room. In hardly less than a minute he understood he was wrong. The other phase is just around the corner and is hardly a 2 minute drive. On reaching the hotel I stay in, I checked the meter reading and offered to pay the reading, plus a tip. But he refused to take the tip (tip was not bad at all) or the full amount the meter reads stating, “I apologise for mistaking the address, confusing you and wasting those few minutes of yours. I must have freaked you out with my comments.” I told him I have been here for some time now and did not really panic when I was at a similar looking place. But he refused to take the tip or the full amount. When I tried to convince him that it is okay and he need not be so sorry. He smiled and said, “Okay, you have already paid a tip of 2 mins of chaos and an overall 5 mins of yours. That’s valuable. Thank you”. I could not help but smile and wised him good time. He is one among the very few who value time to this precession.

Verity

Endangered enthusiasm.

Engraved engagements ensured.

Emotions are Errands.

....... Is practical life.

hmmm...hmmm...hmmm

Rumble, fumble, stumble, giggles, mumbles

Hike, like, bike, strike, mike
Pear, near, dear, smear, bear
Strange, range, rage, age, sage
No matter what, life is just for the ultimate collapse.
A lapse in time that is making me run the laps on the maps is nothing but life!

My Philosophy!

Never say “NO”!

For I make sense most of the times.
Tell me what it takes to be there.
Tell me what it takes to make it.

Let me think if it is practical or a fiction.

If it takes vampire or a werewolf to be it, let me discard it.
Else, the friction in me may burn the fiction to materialize.
I respect myself.

Making of "T"Ears

Speak out! And you shall feel better!
It is a human tendency  to burst out and feel better.
Voicing out doesn’t solve, but is just a vent to the burn.

Wonder if there is a pain that you cant voice.

Wonder what if there is no ear to hear your voice.
Wonder what can help now!

“The EARS” that can help are Tears!

You can get somany as you want.
Somany that you want to tell to.

When there are no Ears you Trust.

Let Tears be The Ears you vent to.
It actually cools you down!

Tears are sometimes better

No risk of betrayal!
It is inbuilt skill since birth.

Though everyone knows to cry.
Noone who can entirely read your cry.
A blessing from the heavens for not so bads.

The gulit of staying silent over terrible acts …

Sometimes melt into tears
Later it cools me down and puts me to sleep!

Lanes lead by memories

A drive by heart as the brain is guided by the past
A drive with zero focus on destinations
A presentation projected by the memory.
A drive through fossils with not dimensions so well preserved.
A drive where the sole rejoices out of nothing.
 
A feeling unexplained.
An emotion undefined.
Drain by time that is still held in mind.
Cloud that rain a life time.
Experience science cannot define.
 
Fragrance out of nothing.
Light without a torch.
Darkness that candles can’t kill.
Uproars in the void.
Dangling down in the real world.
 
Mind you! All this can be experienced only if you can have the guts to let your mind fly as is. Do not try to dictate it

Family! (Too loved and clutured to stand a threat)

I read an article in Times today about parental attitude that I just cannot disagree with. It may be a little against the therory I grew up in but maturity has drifted my thoughts to believe in the other hopefully better.

I perfectly agree that we are nothing without our parents and one needs to have respect for them. Parents is one relationship that we cannot replicate. You may getmarried, get divoreced and marry again and redefine the definition of a life partner and re live to the fullest. You may loose friends, make better ones and enjoy friendship. You may be close to one sibling and not to other but, one cannot replace mother and father. No matter what!

But does this mean that you feel indebt for a lifetime to your parents? No parents want to see their children in pain. Does this mean they draw the lines for us to dwell? What is the root cause of such emotional stress one experiences be it as a child or as a parent?

Every human who matures to an adult is definitely the grace of people elder to him. Everyone was once fragile toddler and kid who could be brokendown easily. Once grown, yes, he has his brain to think and make his way.

I believe one can guide kids till they mature to think and understand real world around the age of 20. After that probably one should have the liberty to fly high, low, in safe mode or a mode of choice. I can defenitely nurse a hurt bird but not dictate the lines for it to fly. Liberty shall not be a struggle or acheivable only while leading a life secluded overseas taking care not to cross the lines of visibility! In India, we lack this. We lack the geneiune sense towards society because of family bonding! Crippled feet cannot lay the path but only tread the path once laid.

Ashamed of myself, I write this post! I want to join the plight for a better living of women but I don’t. I mean I raise my voice when unheard in places that can make no difference to the struggle. I stand a  stumble for my friend who gathred courage to venture out and support by not venturing out. When her family questions her “when she being a girl of your age, is staying silent, why cannot you?” I feel a sharp sword tearing me to pieces as my friend looks softly at me. Here are the answers to the most common HUMILIATING, RIDICULOUS comments that a geneuin girl hears from caring family and the legal supervisors.

Why do you complain of eve teasing when that 100 girls don’t. May be something is wrong with your attitude.  Then they go on to stare at another girl and her to point out the differences!

My take: Stop starring first to point the differences. The fact is that they are staying dumb and I am speaking out the facts. They don’t speak up

 

Why did you not refrain from going when you see only men there?

My take: Huh!! Come on! Apply your statistical analysis and logical thinking together. In a nation where the gender ratio is pathetic and where most women are kept away from leading a competitive life, it is really few that venture out in the competitive world for the good. It is not uncommon to land in times where I am the only female among a male group. I cannot ask my girl buddies to accompany me always as I understand they need to get back alone too! BTW, girls are tied to responsibilities like, get home cook by the time … so need to take the first vehicle even if there are no women in it.

Why don’t you move at safe times!

My take: Crime happens in broad daylight amongst huge/ decent crowds too. They stay numb and advice not to make herself a fool. From my personal experience, it is easy for crime in crowd. I see a lot of crime that happens in crowd only.

Don’t complain. Just go on as if nothing has happened. If you make a scene people would talk about you….. more hooligans would target you.

My Take: Huh!! Will things ever change! Kills my ethics! I feel crippled. I can shed thousands of tears here and talk a lot about this and yell out the truth.

They are Drunk! Beware!

My Take: Who the hell asked them to? Don’t they know what happens when drunk? Cant they lock themselves and drink to their wish and not misbehave with others. Is it my problem?

Common excuse by Men that I Hate the most and the one that has swept lives off to the history, made mysteries and the best abused. “I WAS DRUNK AND DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED”

My Take: Am I responsible. When you are one who enjoyed the drink and had fun, for doing nothing, why should I suffer? Irrespective of the damage of the drunken behaviour, is the sensibility of the male not in question? Knowing the harm it does, knowing the behavioural changes if brings, is he not a fool to get drunk? How can I know who gets drunk when and how can I avoid them. Why should the sensible be punished for his insesible act.

I wish every drunken person faces ill fate the very day he behaves drunk…. But not die in accident but meet with an accident that makes their living so difficult that everyone gets scared to drink beyond a limit. The probability of ill fate shall become equal to the probability of a common girl venturing out alone late in the evening facing eve teasing, only then shall the drunken not get so drunk and move around hazardeous to the common people. If they want to ruin their lives drinking without disturbing anyone sitting alone in a room, I don’t care. We have a lot of people better than them and not count on them.

Freedom to me is when “My Take:” becomes “What I do:”

Writing this post has not relieved my guilt but just made me feel exhausted enough to crash for the day with a sinking heart and raise to days where whipping my soul shall not ache as much as it does today.

Essence lessons

In the mush rush for life, we are missing the essence of living. In rush to do nothing, I was driving home alone. The next meeting had quite a while when I bumped into traffic. It started drizzling. With rolled up windows and blank mind I was staring at the drops on my car glass. With the slow moving traffic, for the first time I was enjoying as I started talking to the teeny-weeny water drops. Each one was like needles dropping off the sky. The needles rush as if to hit but not to hurt, collapse soft on you as if kissing. Each of the drops on my glass was gleaming in the street light. Firstly each drop diverted me in its gleam. Soon my glass was full. It is all fun so far.

There were too many and I did not know which one to see. Few grew in size and as if rushing kick the others and grab attention, started rolling down the glass forming lines. No two lines were the same. The bigger drops preyed on the neighborhood drops and formed their own crooked ways and as this got too much blurring my visibility, I turned on the wipers!! Delight to distraction!

May be this is what happens with population.

Every person is interesting, nice and appreciated when they are few. As the crowd increases starts the race, greed and foul play. With different approaches and mindsets, people form groups of interest and end up ruining the whole beauty as is the case with today! I felt a pinch and drove down being blank.