Live Freeze

In a tireless journey to a picturesque place up town to make a living, I think I left the life behind. Here I stand with something in me but some element missing. I wanted to shed the past behind and leave a forever angry face at it. How I realize, maintaining the forever angry face at it is ruining my energy. Is this just the bald season just before the vibrant spring? Or is it a grave that is forever going to remain grey?

ACCEPTANCE! I accept it as my tragic past but why do tears flow all afresh! The years past could not deter the dedication to the fears past. The loyalty of trauma remains despite of efforts to drain it. Nature has its own way to bless and curse. It is often the best for you.

Amidst the anguish of shattering that I run from but did not master to cope with, I come face to face with a humble talented artist wearing the same costume of the Villon of the past that the artist is unaware of. The poor humble artist has only this costume and is here to perform an act of elegance. How can I turn my back to the artist who is right in my court? How can I disgust him for just wearing on a costume that is from my painful past that he is unaware of? How can I show him down on the only costume he has? Hence, I stand to cheer his performance. I freeze my feet to be very much at the show, as I push my mind to appreciate the talented artist. How do I silence the me in me to stay quite and calm?

I know the pain of the past is not worth my time and energy. The trauma shall not tame me for the worthless. How? How? and how do I live this present? Something that gives me a very sharp pain but can I silence the unrest? Is “Forgiveness”  my way as I cannot retaliate to the Villon, I just cannot accept but may be if I am willing to forgive the Villon of the past, I can have a better present. Somehow the me in me is silenced now but I do not even see it now. There is a whole lot of emptiness in me. There is no pain but tons of numbness riveting me tight. Should I stay easy for nothing now hurts? Should I crave for the living elements? Should I just let this solidify me? Should I ever dream of a spring?

Bruising myself constantly with trauma that cannot kill me. I am still in the battle of living in a beautiful life.

- Of the dairies of a trauma haunted victim.