After seeing some of the couples depressed when there is nothing to be depressed about in joint families, I decided to write this post. I am not yet married but these thoughts have helped some of my friends understand life better and so I write. This will be a boring post though….
Past was easy and you were smart to manage.
Present is a monster out of your control and you are exhausted.
Future seems something you can gulp.
What should parents understand?
They should understand that there is a new person in their child’s life who also needs attention now. They should allow their son or daughter to give the other person some importance and shall not demand the same attention as before marriage. Especially in Indian marriages, when the girl goes to the guys house, everyone in the house needs to adapt. The guy cant spend the whole day as before chatting with his mom in the kitchen, watching TV with his dad and his routine with his family killing his 24 hours a day. Now there is another soul in the house who used to spend time the same way but now is in a new place. If everyone in the house continues to be as they were previously, the girl will be left nowhere and would start to think negative.
Parents should not find fault with their children and shall try not to point out how they change after marriage. They shall not see the girl as something that is reducing the time they spend with their son but try to treat her like their own daughter. The guy shall be uncomfortable to stay away from chatting to his mom in the kitchen to chat with his wife for a while. His parents shall help him balance this instead of saying “you are not finding time after marriage”. Let the new girl not feel insecure and try to stick to her husband always and grow anti in-law feelings.
The girls parents need to understand that the guy has very limited occasions to show himself to them and so should not jump to conclusion about him. In the very few occasions, he is very nervous and overwhelmed by the attention given. Understand there should not be a bad day when the girl shouts at him saying “what have you done for my family when I serve your family so much? I shall not do …..”. Let your son-in-law help you as the girl sees and let her feel, given an opportunity or need of the situation, my guy shall help my parents.
What should the guy understand?
There is a new soul next to him now. She also had good time with her family just like him. She has not been a house maker till date and so cant do things the perfect way from day one. She is not a robot to simply work and she needs time to adapt to this life. Deep inside her heart she misses her family and at times the kid in her feels you are responsible for getting her away. Though she overlooks this as she cannot admit it, it will show up in different ways. For example, when you say something your mom said, she may say “so what, I want you to do like this” this is the match stick that can burn the whole match. Instead of reacting back, think of ways to make her feel how special she is and how good she is and have the patience to explain her. When she has left her family to be with you, you can forgo a cricket match or a party to ease her. Later on you shall see this works magic in the ways she loves you. She will develop that unconditional love for you that will make her forgive you any number of times for anything. This will make her do the best for you and your family. Do remember to compliment her sometimes and then tell her how she can better to it.
Try to help your in-laws when needed, remember to check what they need often and not wait till the time they plead you for help. If you overlook this the girl may have a grudge on you and feel why she should do anything for your family when her family is left behind.
What should the girl understand?
The girl is out at a new location to adapt to a new lifestyle. There will be no one to compare her with her past and has a new canvas to work on. On the other hand, the guy is still in his old place, he would try to avoid people making fun of him saying “you have changed a lot after marriage”, thought this is unavoidable, each guy tries to fight this. He wants to portray to be the same and move on in his life the same way. He may not admit to this but it can show up in different ways. He may still be spending quality and quantity time with his parents and is again scared of hurting you. Since childhood he knows girls/ women are sensitive. His mom is on a watch suddenly with insecurity of loosing his son to you. He senses everyone looking at him through glasses but no one says anything. He is confused how to handle the situation and can ask none. He may not give you much time but may try to give you quality time. Don’t just concentrate on him, get moving with your in-laws. Overlook them looking at you through glasses. Admit the small mistakes you do like forgetting to add salt to the curry or so. Tell how your mom or siblings would have reacted to you in such a situation. This shall make them think of their family and their early married days relaxing the whole situation and giving more to talk on. Try to talk to the guy’s people on general things like recipes, daily chores, shopping and compliment them. Try to keep a low profile. Don’t show how busy you are with your career or how complex roles you play at your office. Get close to your mother in-law and she shall work the magic for you. Keep smiling and you can ask for tips to manage things instead of telling them you are too tired and cannot do all this. When his family is at ease and stops looking at you through glasses, the guy is relieved and is all yours. This makes a happy family. Try to tell him his mom is just like your mom. This may not do anything then but when your mom needs help, he shall do.
Understand your guy is not with your parents to see what they need. Try to help him to help your family and so you can avoid building grudge against him and his family for you do so much for them and they do nothing. He is not inhuman but doesn’t have n number of opportunities like you to score gud with in-laws.
How important are parents in a marriage?
Parents can always forgive and overlook our shortcomings. No one else is this world can do this. Even we cant always overlook and forgive our parents and may get angry with them. So we need to take care of them. They cut down on their interests to bring us up. We may have to adjust to help them ease when they are aged.
Other bitter fact that nobody bothers to think, when destiny plays in separating you from your life partner, the world would show sympathy for a short time like a skit but not help. Relatives may try to stand away fearing you may ask them for help if needed. But your parents stand by you to support you.
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